Got some explaining to do....

So it's been about 5 weeks since my last post.....
I'm not even sure where to start, or what to say. How do I explain my absence? Well, I guess the best I can do is say there's been quite a lot of, er, shit, going on lately, excuse my French.
I'm moving house, I'm in the process of getting ready to switch high schools because of how shit things are at mine - I'll start my new high school beginning of 2013, did I mention that will be my senior year?
I'm getting things together for my big holiday coming up in America, and finishing off this years school work.
I needed some time to sort things out.
The best bit of news I have for you (or those of you who will even bother to read this blog after my absence) is that I have not binged for 2 and a half weeks, and currently weigh:
49.7kg (109.5lbs)!!!!!
So, YAY!
I dunno. I can't think of what else there is to say, of any importance at least. Hey, it may interest you to know that I have pretty much no friends left at school, which is partly why I'm leaving. I'm intentionally excluded there, and my two sorta-friends both belong to larger groups of friends that want absolutely nothing to do with me. Heh.
SkinnyyLovee Xx

Rewards System?

Ok, this binge shit? Yeah, it's fucking over. O-V-E-R, OVER. I cannot stand my fat fucking body. I'm just so fucking glad that I don't actually look to be 56kg, it has to be sort of food weight. I look like I did at 53 ot 54kg. Not good, but not like, super shit. Like I said in my last post, 2 weeks and 4 days to lose 6kg. Then an extra 2 weeks had better get me down to 47kg. For fucks sake, this weight has to go, I'm getting depressed again! FUCK THIS. I'm full of rage, having a big-arse rage rant for all of you. Sorry, I'm sorry.

Anyway, once I reach 50kg (so long as it is in 2 weeks and 4 days, OR LESS) I am allowed to colour my hair again. Either a purple brown or a red brown, similar to the brown in my head shots, but more fun for the warmer months ahead. Once I reach 47kg, (again, by then end of the first 2 weeks back at school, OR EARLIER) I can get my second holes done for my ears! I want these two things so much. So I better get working, NO MORE BINGING I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DO NOT GET WHY I DO IT! I AM STRONGER THAN THIS, I HAVE PROVEN IT BEFORE AND I CAN PROVE IT AGAIN!

x SkinnyyLovee

I Need Help.

I really, really need some help. 8 days in a row, then a good 280cal day yesterday, then the 9th day today - 9 days of bingeing. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I had done so well, 6 days under 300cal and look at me! I have GOT to get back on track. I am 56kg. 56kg for fucks sake! I know I'm about 55kg without food weight. But still. Ok. My first goal is 50kg. I give myself tomorrow until the end of my 2 week holidays from school - so 2 weeks and 4 days pretty much. Then the first 2 weeks of term 4 I want to get to 47kg. Then maintain on 1000cals or less. I can do it. And one day a week for the 2 weeks and 4 days, I am allowed a maximum of 1000cals to boost my metabolism. Every other day, no more than 500cals. Preferably less. I can do this. Guys, please help me do this!

4 Days Strong

I can proudly say I have not binged in 4 days (Sunday being my last binge). I know that I will probably have a binge day this weekend, because going cold turkey will only end in me going on another month-long binge, and that fucking sucks let me tell you. So I am thinking, I may allow myself one binge day per a week, until I think I am strong enough to have one a fortnight, then one every three weeks, one a month and then maybe leave it there? I'm not too sure, but I know that having the binge to look forward to will help me keep myself eating (rather, not eating) better so that I can have that binge day. It's like, I need to slowly wean myself off of these binges. Weekdays and my non-binge weekend day will be a maximum of 300 calories a day.

So, this week.
Mon: 85 calories
Tue: 246 calories
Wed: 225 calories
Today,
Thu: 182 calories (including the 2 teas and 2 coffees I intend to drink throughout the night)
So  that's 738 calories, in 4 days. Which is less than half of my daily maintenance. Fuck yeah!

In other news, I got an audition for a student film! My agent emailed me this morning, told me to contact the director. So, Sunday at 10:00am is the audition! (: I'm not expecting anything from it, it's my first ever audition and I'm a year younger than 4 of the 5 main characters (6 years younger than the 5th). I'm just excited to get some real practice in auditioning for when something I have a good chance at comes up. But, who knows? Maybe I'll get cast as an extra :)

So basically, I'm feeling pretty damn good right now. Day 5 of restricting tomorrow, I'm literally not even that hungry anymore. I had to force myself to have a 160cal soup yesterday to please mum, but I had no desire to eat it. For me, that's a great thing!

Stay Strong x

So far, so good.

So today has gone really well so far. I didn't go to school today, half because I am still sick from the flu, and half because I am sick from yesterday's binge day. Never. Again.

But anyway, I've had about 47 calories so far today, and I'll probably have a maximum of another 50 tonight, however I'm not sure. I've also looked some more into veganism, vegetarianism etc. I'm going to be a strict vegetarian - no meat, eggs or dairy. Today I have made the switch back to soy milk. I say back to, because I have previously consumed only soy milk however I clearly did not stick to that.

I have a couple of things on my mind right now, after spending some time going through the forums of wheat.net. Mostly, I really related to some threads on ED's and friendships. And how the two just don't blend well together. It's so hard to socialise when I'm always worrying how I look, how my friends think I look, and worst of all - what might I have to eat? That's the biggest fear actually. I can't handle being out of control or having to make a quick decision on what I'll eat, as though it's not that important. And for others, it isn't. But I'm not others. I'm me. Woop-de-fucking-doo.

Anyway, I think I might go make myself a soy tea now. Stay strong,

X

New Method to my Madness

That's what it is really, madness.

But I have decided how exactly I will reach my UGW of 44kg/97lbs. But I'll go into that later in the post. First up, what happened today. Well, I binged. And binged hard. Honestly, I had about 900cals... for breakfast alone. I probably breached 4000cals today. For the whole of August, ever since the day of my 16th birthday (end of July), I have been bingeing about 4 or 5 days a week. In that time, I went from 46.8kg to 54kg. It's DISGUSTING!

Anyway, I gained control of my binging the day I started this blog, and today has been my first binge. And I feel so horrible, because I'd cleaned my body out and lost a kilo/2lbs, and this just made me feel shit. So I know I'll be fine without a binge for about another week. Maybe if I can give myself 2 700-900 calories days this week, I'll avoid a binge altogether.

This stuff has really been taking a toll on my school work and social life. I've avoided social events (I'm invited to very few as it is) because of my fear of going overboard on food. I have an issue with anything over 500-600 calories meaning a failed day, therefore I may as well keep eating. I can't handle this properly, I can't handle this at all. It's screwing with my mind, my life, my health and well-being.

All I want is to be skinny again. It's within my reach, I know it is. I've been skinny before, maybe not skinny enough, but skinny none-the-less. And I can be skinny again. Right?

Anyway, the way I've decided to lose weight and be healthier too. Let me start by saying, I have a  fairly bad lactose intolerance. If I have any dairy product, I generally get a horrible stomach ache and er, other symptoms. With that, I also don't enjoy eating meat. So, what does this have to do with my way of losing weight? Well, I'm going to go vegan. Follow a strict vegan diet, and only healthy foods. I sort of did this last year, and this year, and both times I felt so much healthier and so much more weightless. It was amazing. So yeah. Here's hoping! xx

I'm going to get back to this. And further.

Binge day.

Today is a binge day. It is also fathers day. I've never been one to celebrate today, because I've never met my father. I don't consider my dad to be my dad, he never wanted to know me and rejected my mum when she wouldnt have me aborted.

But today mum, M and I are having a big lunch for him. And I can't get out of it, so I'm embracing the food.

I decided not to weigh myself this morning so there will be less of a weight gain from today from what I'll be able to see.

I'm disgusting, but I fucking love my binge days, all the food and calories. Yum. FUCKING PIG I AM!!!! Oh well, I'll hate myself tomorrow. And tonight.

Whatever. I've had too much shit to stop now. Btw, I fucking adore chai latte's and potato bake. Fuck.

Spring Cleaning, ala Body!

So, first of all. HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SPRING!!! Or for those of you in the Northern Hemisphere, Autumn (or in certain countries I believe you call this season Fall?)!      Weighed in this morning at..... 52.7kg!! Yes, in the 52 range bitches!

Well, this morning I woke up, and mum was in the kitchen making sandwiches for her and M's church today. I looked at the food, but I really wasn't too tempted to eat it. Which is fucking great! Perfect start to my body spring clean. Anyway, I saw the plate she had ready for M.... TWO SANDWICHES ON IT. You cannot honestly tell me you think TWO sandwiches are required for breakfast? Fuck, that's your breakfast, lunch and all snacks right there (eating a diet of like 1300 to 1800 of course). I told her to take one of them off, he can't have it. She said it's his breakfast. I said I know, but we both know he eats steak and veggies for breakfast at home, and he'll eat more sandwiches at morning tea at church, so fucking stop trying to kill him!

It seriously pisses me off how greedy they are, on a DAILY basis.
Anyway, RANT OVER.

Plan for today is liquid, liquid and.. liquid. I'm going to try to survive on just coffee and water, but if I have to I'll have soup (160cals D:).

Also, I found a forum on a site called whyeat.net that I seriously relate to, SO MUCH.

http://www.whyeat.net/forum/threads/49118-Restricting-or-Binging....

especially this comment:
This is also my mentality. I've observed myself carefully and notice that I order my life in terms of days. As in, what kind of day am I having? Is it a day where I'm in control, thin, above-it-all, or am I gonna be fat, needy, self-comforting etc? It has to be one or the other. What I eat is so closely tied to how I feel about myself, I can't help but see food as just an emotional tool. If I'm gonna eat, it's going to be to drown my feelings because otherwise no amount of food is worth the calories.

Self control,

I showed it. Today. Well, sort of. When I published my last post, I was heading into The Coffee Club with my mum and her partner. I had only had a coffee and half a bottle of coke zero at that point. At the coffee club, I ordered a caramel latte (I'm guessing 200 cals) and stopped myself from getting a cake with it invade I changed my mind later. But later, I decided one last day would get the cravings out of my system. So mum and I went to get junk food from the shops. We got our cappuccino's and she went and got donuts while I got a large potato gems from Bucking Beef (650 cals is my guess :'( ). We were going to Coles so we could get heaps of shit. But truth is, I was full from the cappuccino and gems, and I realized I'd feel shit of I binged. But I'd eaten so much already. I quickly calculated my average intake for today - 900 calories. And with that, it was decided. I could still keep today's cals in the three digit range. So, that was my binge today, and while I am disgusted with the caramel latte and the gems, I know I won't be experiencing bad cravings tomorrow and I'm only very slightly bloated, not to mention that I should still lose weight today, being 600 to 700 calories under my maintenance level. So, I did it, sort of. Today turned out to be kind of a success, and I can technically say I did not binge (ate too much, yes).
Here's hoping for the 52kg's tomorrow morning!

About to binge, FML

I was doing so fucking well today, and I weighed in at 53.2kg this morning. But I am about to binge, despite only having 20 calories so far today, I'm going to ruin it. Today is the last day of August, I was considering doing it tomorrow but that would ruin the month - bingeing on the first day means doing it everyday.
So here I go.

This is who I am.

This blog? This is who I am. This is one of the major focuses in my life - food. It's really quite depressing when I think about it. I'm just 16 years old, yet I've been obsessing over food for nearly 2 years now. TWO YEARS. That's if you only count my obsession with food as having begun when I wanted to start losing weight. If you count my dark days of binging at every meal, and every snack in-between, having tantrum's when somebody got a bigger piece of cake than me or one more potato than I, and the staying up until mum's (at times, mum and the partner) in bed so I can go and raid the fridge and pantry or stealing chocolate from the supermarket - both under the impression that it doesn't count if nobody knows.... well, if you count all of that, then I've been obsessing over food for seven years now.

Seven years.

Here's some pictures to give you an idea of my fatty McFattington timeline.

This is me at about 70kg. October 2010, 14 years of age - just before I decided to lose weight.

Me at about 64kg. April 2011, still 14 - I've lost some fat but nowhere near enough.

Here, I'm about 57kg, give or take. June 2011, 14 years old, too fat.

Now I am about 52-53kg, but that includes muscle from gym. September 2011, 15 years old now. I might have been able to maintain this if I hadn't dropped my calories to the point where I no longer had the energy to go to gym. However, had I not had muscle, I'm guessing I'd have been 48kg at this point.

I'm probably 50kg here. November 2011, 15 years of age - the dress was falling down all night...

This is me at about 48kg to 47kg. July 2012, 15 years of age (2 weeks before my 16th birthday) - I want this again, but slightly more tanned, toned, and thin.

Oh. My. Gosh. Yes!

I've done so well today! I'm so proud of myself, I feel sort of better now that my body hasn't had any food shoved down it like in previous binge-centred days.

I woke up at 6:30am, had a shower, weighed myself, got on the computer and updated the blog. 8:30am I had my first coffee (3 equal, and lactose free 98% fat free skim milk), 11am was my second. I did some homework (exams are coming up and I've been off school with an end of winter cold), and tanned outside for a bit (tanning makes you look thinner, and I'm so pale naturally). 2pm was my third coffee, and I followed that with 100 star jumps (jumping jacks). 

Then, I decided to weigh myself again. 

53.6kg/118lbs!!!!!

Thank god, the big number on the scale was clearly due to water weight from my binging! I'm not actually that big! I know it's not a huge difference, but in hindsight - a half a kilogram/one pound can take two days to lose. And I dropped that bitch between 7:30am and 3pm in one single day!

So I am currently at 60 calories for the day. Fuck yes! My plan for the rest of the day is probably another three coffees/teas (depends on what I feel like), which will leave me with a total intake of 120 calories for the day. 

I just looked at myself in the mirror. My thighs very slightly touch at the top, but not all the time. They're wobbly, so I need to tighten them. And the rest of my skinny-fat body that I had almost turned into a fat-fat body. My stomach is not so bloated today, it's starting to resemble the stomach I was once proud of. And it doesn't hurt that the tanning and exercise (whilst not much) has helped to make my tummy appear more toned.

Looking forward to succeeding again tomorrow, and Saturday morning's weigh in. Realistically, here's hoping I'll be 52kg/115lbs!



*****Edit*****

Also. Using the calculator on losertown.org, I've basically figured out a way to alternate my calories so that I don't end up bingeing, and get down to my goal of 44kg.
I'll start this once I reach 52kg (1.6kg time)!
Week 1: 400cals a day
Week 2: 400cals a day (brings me to 50kg/110lbs)
Week 3: 600cals a day
Week 4: 500cals a day
Week 5: 500cals a day (brings me to 47kg/103.5lbs)
Week 6: 400cals a day
Week 7: 800cals a day
Week 8: 800cals a day (Brings me to 44kg97lbs)

Of course, these are just estimates. But they're rather encouraging. I'm hoping to go a bit quicker than this, however if it takes the full 8 weeks, then I should be at my goal weight of 44kg/97lbs by the end of October, and back to my lowest weight of 47kg by (around) the 7th of October. I cannot wait!

Celebrity Thinspiration

These are some of my favourite celebrities, and in my opinion, the most beautiful....

Beginning.

Today is the beginning of my health kick. I say health kick, because this is what my old lifestyle was, and it is truly a lifestyle choice. Not a diet.

I intend to only drink coffee and tea with milk, and water, for the entire day. Oh, and equal. I have a taste for sweetness. Mum and I are going to the shops to pay the flights and insurance for our trip to America this Christmas holiday. I will not go past the food court. I will not go into any supermarkets. I will not even get a skinny cappuccino. I will stay strong and empty. I will not punish myself.

My weight this morning: 54kg/119lbs

Fuck. I'm disgusting. When I move I can feel the fat on my stomach scrunching up. It's horrible.

I am going to make a deal with myself, so as not to completely freak out and have a full-blown panic attack, which will likely lead to a breakdown.

I will weigh myself every Wednesday and every Saturday, no exceptions. I must do it in the mornings too, before I've let a single thing through my lips. In a weeks time, I hope I can be around 51kg/112.5lbs.

I know I can do it.

Goals.

Okay, so I posted my goals yesterday, and when I want to achieve them by. Well, that was considering I could do well today, and even then they were only estimates I made while half asleep and sick in bed. So this post is dedicated to sorting those goals out, once and for all.

First of all, my stats.


HW: 68.5kg/151lbs
LW: 46.9kg/104lbs
CW: 53.5kg/118lbs
GW1: 50kg/110lbs
GW2: 48kg/106lbs
GW3: 46kg/101lbs
UGW: 44kg/97lbs

Now, when I intend to achieve my GW's by.

GW1: 50kg/110lbs
by the 8th of September 2012

GW2: 48kg/106lbs
by the 22nd of September 2012

GW3: 46kg/101lbs
by the 6th of October 2012

UGW: 44kg/97lbs
by the 20th of October 2012

I know I can do it, I've got it in me. I've restricted well before, and I don't actually have an issue with hunger. It's the greed, the looking to food for comfort. If I can overcome that, if I can understand that food is NOT my best friend, I will succeed.
I will succeed.

In December, I am going on holiday. Overseas. I want to be perfect by then. I want to enjoy myself over there, enjoy the sightseeing, and possibly buy some clothing over there to bring back here (since Australia is pretty shit with it's clothing - relatively low-quality and always too OTT in runway fashion style). The vacation destination? U.S.A. Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Anaheim, and a day trip to San Diego and Tijuana (Mexico). Once I am under control again, junk food doesn't set me off. It disgusts me. There isn't anything special in American to tempt me. Hot dogs, tacos, nachos, pizza, burgers, milkshakes, chilli dogs, donuts, peanut butter and jelly (or as us Aussie's say, jam). They're the kind of things I eat when I'm in a frenzy, ravenous. I only get like that after I indulge in something I love but deem to be bad for me. And to be honest, I know I can be better than that.

Improvements.

Today was horrible, but at the same time, it was okay.

I ate about 1800 calories today. I was fine all morning, and then in the afternoon my cravings struck. I wanted to call up my favourite takeaway place, but I knew I couldn't. I ended up in an argument with my mum because of this, she thought I was hungry and didn't realise I was not hungry - just greedy. I didn't need anything to eat, I just wanted it.

But then later on M came over to pick her up and take her for a coffee - I went with. I had a latte, and a slice of carrot cake with ice-cream. It was disgusting, but tasty. We then went into the Woolies (Woolworths, supermarket in Australia) and I knew I'd feel crap if I full-on binged but I also knew that if I didn't at least somewhat satisfy my cravings, that I'd full-on binge the next day. So I got a single serve packet of M&M mini's, a single serve packet of mini fruit Skittles, a small Ice Coffee milk drink and a single serve tomato and basil pasta bowl. More than I wanted, but not catastrophically so.

Here is a picture I found, it's what I want to look like by the end of September (preferably skinnier):
This is what I am aiming for.

Crappy Introductions xoxo

I'm not that flash when it comes to introductions. Really, I just suck at them. Completely and utterly suck. I don't even know where to start, what to say, etcetera etcetera. But I guess I should begin with a bit of an explanation as to why I've started this blog, right?

Okay. My whole life, I've had some major issues with eating. It started with binge eating, and eating in secret. That began when I was in grade 4, so around about age 9. I went from a normal weight for a young, active girl, to quite overweight - and fast. I couldn't get enough of any food, any fat, any junk. This was also around the time that I began to experience bullying at school. And no, the bullying wasn't due to the weight gain. Rather, the weight gain was due to the bullying.

Fast forward several years to October 2010. My mum's long-term on-again off-again partner (that's another story for another post) had just left us - again. The first time, mum had ended up in the mental ward and me in foster care. This time however, mum didn't go crazy. She went numb. And in many ways, that was a lot worse. She hated me, she blamed me, but she didn't even realise that she was treating me the way she was. Then again, I probably deserved it.

That's where my food habits changed. I felt so bad all the time, I just wanted to feel good about myself. I didn't really have any friends at school or outside of school. I needed something I could make sense of, something I could understand. Something to control.

One night, I google 'pro-ana'. That night changed my life.

Fast forward once more to the present day. The reason I am starting this blog. Well, I'll just say that for a month I had survived on under 500 calories a day, generally 200 to 300 calories on a normal day and 800 to 1000 calories when I was forced to eat a normal meal plus some. I was down to 47kg, 105lbs. And then it hit my 16th birthday celebration - I had prepared a high tea for me and 3 of my best friends, plus my mum and her partner (on-again), let's call him M. Well, only one of my friends came, J. And there was just so much food.......
And so the binging began again. For the last month, my first month of being 16, I have spent my days bloated and sick after gorges of 3000+ calories (I know, barf-city). Sure, I had days in-between where I had gained momentary control and consumed 100 to 300 calories, but you know what? Food's a bitch, and she's trying to screw me.

So that's why I've started this blog, to get back on track. Now, if I veer off track, I won't just be disappointed. I'll be embarrassed, ashamed, sick. Because my failure will be open to the public.

Therefore, I can't fail. I won't.

Here are my stats:
HW: 68.5kg/151lbs
LW: 46.9kg/104lbs
CW: 53.5kg/118lbs
GW1: 50kg/110lbs
GW2: 48kg/106lbs
GW3: 46kg/101lbs
UGW: 44kg/97lbs

I will reach my GW1 by the 8th of September. I will reach my GW2 by the 15th of September. I will reach my GW3 by the 25th of September. I will reach my UGW by the 10th of October.
I will do this.
I will.

Fasting Tips x

10 fasting tips

1. Tell the least number of people that you are fasting

2. Turn off the TV

3. Get alone and discover Yourself and Who You ARE

4. Feast on YOU

5. Meditate

6. Go for walks

7. Take a phone break(turn it off or leave it behind)

8. Be quiet and peaceful

9. Do not enter into needless temptation

10. Sleep