Rewards System?

Ok, this binge shit? Yeah, it's fucking over. O-V-E-R, OVER. I cannot stand my fat fucking body. I'm just so fucking glad that I don't actually look to be 56kg, it has to be sort of food weight. I look like I did at 53 ot 54kg. Not good, but not like, super shit. Like I said in my last post, 2 weeks and 4 days to lose 6kg. Then an extra 2 weeks had better get me down to 47kg. For fucks sake, this weight has to go, I'm getting depressed again! FUCK THIS. I'm full of rage, having a big-arse rage rant for all of you. Sorry, I'm sorry.

Anyway, once I reach 50kg (so long as it is in 2 weeks and 4 days, OR LESS) I am allowed to colour my hair again. Either a purple brown or a red brown, similar to the brown in my head shots, but more fun for the warmer months ahead. Once I reach 47kg, (again, by then end of the first 2 weeks back at school, OR EARLIER) I can get my second holes done for my ears! I want these two things so much. So I better get working, NO MORE BINGING I FEEL LIKE SHIT I DO NOT GET WHY I DO IT! I AM STRONGER THAN THIS, I HAVE PROVEN IT BEFORE AND I CAN PROVE IT AGAIN!

x SkinnyyLovee

I Need Help.

I really, really need some help. 8 days in a row, then a good 280cal day yesterday, then the 9th day today - 9 days of bingeing. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I had done so well, 6 days under 300cal and look at me! I have GOT to get back on track. I am 56kg. 56kg for fucks sake! I know I'm about 55kg without food weight. But still. Ok. My first goal is 50kg. I give myself tomorrow until the end of my 2 week holidays from school - so 2 weeks and 4 days pretty much. Then the first 2 weeks of term 4 I want to get to 47kg. Then maintain on 1000cals or less. I can do it. And one day a week for the 2 weeks and 4 days, I am allowed a maximum of 1000cals to boost my metabolism. Every other day, no more than 500cals. Preferably less. I can do this. Guys, please help me do this!

4 Days Strong

I can proudly say I have not binged in 4 days (Sunday being my last binge). I know that I will probably have a binge day this weekend, because going cold turkey will only end in me going on another month-long binge, and that fucking sucks let me tell you. So I am thinking, I may allow myself one binge day per a week, until I think I am strong enough to have one a fortnight, then one every three weeks, one a month and then maybe leave it there? I'm not too sure, but I know that having the binge to look forward to will help me keep myself eating (rather, not eating) better so that I can have that binge day. It's like, I need to slowly wean myself off of these binges. Weekdays and my non-binge weekend day will be a maximum of 300 calories a day.

So, this week.
Mon: 85 calories
Tue: 246 calories
Wed: 225 calories
Today,
Thu: 182 calories (including the 2 teas and 2 coffees I intend to drink throughout the night)
So  that's 738 calories, in 4 days. Which is less than half of my daily maintenance. Fuck yeah!

In other news, I got an audition for a student film! My agent emailed me this morning, told me to contact the director. So, Sunday at 10:00am is the audition! (: I'm not expecting anything from it, it's my first ever audition and I'm a year younger than 4 of the 5 main characters (6 years younger than the 5th). I'm just excited to get some real practice in auditioning for when something I have a good chance at comes up. But, who knows? Maybe I'll get cast as an extra :)

So basically, I'm feeling pretty damn good right now. Day 5 of restricting tomorrow, I'm literally not even that hungry anymore. I had to force myself to have a 160cal soup yesterday to please mum, but I had no desire to eat it. For me, that's a great thing!

Stay Strong x

So far, so good.

So today has gone really well so far. I didn't go to school today, half because I am still sick from the flu, and half because I am sick from yesterday's binge day. Never. Again.

But anyway, I've had about 47 calories so far today, and I'll probably have a maximum of another 50 tonight, however I'm not sure. I've also looked some more into veganism, vegetarianism etc. I'm going to be a strict vegetarian - no meat, eggs or dairy. Today I have made the switch back to soy milk. I say back to, because I have previously consumed only soy milk however I clearly did not stick to that.

I have a couple of things on my mind right now, after spending some time going through the forums of wheat.net. Mostly, I really related to some threads on ED's and friendships. And how the two just don't blend well together. It's so hard to socialise when I'm always worrying how I look, how my friends think I look, and worst of all - what might I have to eat? That's the biggest fear actually. I can't handle being out of control or having to make a quick decision on what I'll eat, as though it's not that important. And for others, it isn't. But I'm not others. I'm me. Woop-de-fucking-doo.

Anyway, I think I might go make myself a soy tea now. Stay strong,

X

New Method to my Madness

That's what it is really, madness.

But I have decided how exactly I will reach my UGW of 44kg/97lbs. But I'll go into that later in the post. First up, what happened today. Well, I binged. And binged hard. Honestly, I had about 900cals... for breakfast alone. I probably breached 4000cals today. For the whole of August, ever since the day of my 16th birthday (end of July), I have been bingeing about 4 or 5 days a week. In that time, I went from 46.8kg to 54kg. It's DISGUSTING!

Anyway, I gained control of my binging the day I started this blog, and today has been my first binge. And I feel so horrible, because I'd cleaned my body out and lost a kilo/2lbs, and this just made me feel shit. So I know I'll be fine without a binge for about another week. Maybe if I can give myself 2 700-900 calories days this week, I'll avoid a binge altogether.

This stuff has really been taking a toll on my school work and social life. I've avoided social events (I'm invited to very few as it is) because of my fear of going overboard on food. I have an issue with anything over 500-600 calories meaning a failed day, therefore I may as well keep eating. I can't handle this properly, I can't handle this at all. It's screwing with my mind, my life, my health and well-being.

All I want is to be skinny again. It's within my reach, I know it is. I've been skinny before, maybe not skinny enough, but skinny none-the-less. And I can be skinny again. Right?

Anyway, the way I've decided to lose weight and be healthier too. Let me start by saying, I have a  fairly bad lactose intolerance. If I have any dairy product, I generally get a horrible stomach ache and er, other symptoms. With that, I also don't enjoy eating meat. So, what does this have to do with my way of losing weight? Well, I'm going to go vegan. Follow a strict vegan diet, and only healthy foods. I sort of did this last year, and this year, and both times I felt so much healthier and so much more weightless. It was amazing. So yeah. Here's hoping! xx

I'm going to get back to this. And further.

Binge day.

Today is a binge day. It is also fathers day. I've never been one to celebrate today, because I've never met my father. I don't consider my dad to be my dad, he never wanted to know me and rejected my mum when she wouldnt have me aborted.

But today mum, M and I are having a big lunch for him. And I can't get out of it, so I'm embracing the food.

I decided not to weigh myself this morning so there will be less of a weight gain from today from what I'll be able to see.

I'm disgusting, but I fucking love my binge days, all the food and calories. Yum. FUCKING PIG I AM!!!! Oh well, I'll hate myself tomorrow. And tonight.

Whatever. I've had too much shit to stop now. Btw, I fucking adore chai latte's and potato bake. Fuck.