So, like the title says, I'm back. And I've been doing terribly. I spiralled out of control for a long long time, as in about 3 months of non-stop bingeing since I went to America, with a couple of breaks in-between.
I probably weigh about 60kg now. It's disgusting, I hate myself, I hate my body, I just want to die. I hate that I cannot control myself, that I continue to stuff myself full of food. I wish I could go back to hating food they way I did not too long ago. Hating the taste of it, the feel of it. Sure I hate how it makes me feel now, but I love to eat it. I even tried purging earlier this year but I've come to realise I have absolutely no gag reflex whatsoever. So that clearly didn't work.
Yesterday was tough, I've been dating a guy, J, for a week now. He's nice, funny, and cares about me, and he's the first person I've actually confided in about my issues with food and depression etc, turns out we have alot in common. But his ex is horrible. She's been calling me a slut, making status' about how ugly I am, although I won't give any exact quotes incase somebody I know was to find this blog. Anyway, it's been hard for me to deal with. I was numb and cried last night, and again tonight. I gave myself a headache by crying, and used that as an excuse to stay off school today. First day off this year/term, and now I don't want to go back. I ended up bingeing again today, but this time knowingly preparing for a long restriction. I've been a bitch lately, getting on people's bad sides. Starting to push away the friends I've made, and having successfully pushed away my old friends. It's starting again.
I just feel so... bleh. Like the static on a tv channel with no signal, it's there, but it's not. That's how I feel. I've been doing shit in school the whole term so far, which is really bad because these grades will determine my OP. I need at least an OP9 I think. That doesn't seem to likely though. I can't focus in class, I've been bingeing and all I can think about is how big and fat I am or how many calories I have consumed or have left or what I'm going to eat, even on restricting days I still think like this, I'm doing the math in my head all day long and I can't freaking handle it anymore! Teachers are getting mad at me because they think I'm purposely not doing my work and being an ignorant brat, one of my teachers told J 'good luck with dating her. I just don't like her, she never does her work and doesn't pay attention in class'. When he told me that, I brushed it off and said I hated her anyway. But I actually care about what she and my other teachers think of me and I can't tell them what's going on because I just cannot deal with anyone knowing, especially because I'm so fat that it doesn't even look like I have issues it just looks like I am looking for attention.
I'm gonna leave it here, because I broke down crying mid-sentence. I can't do this. Tomorrow I am restricting, and if I fail, I might die.
x
I probably weigh about 60kg now. It's disgusting, I hate myself, I hate my body, I just want to die. I hate that I cannot control myself, that I continue to stuff myself full of food. I wish I could go back to hating food they way I did not too long ago. Hating the taste of it, the feel of it. Sure I hate how it makes me feel now, but I love to eat it. I even tried purging earlier this year but I've come to realise I have absolutely no gag reflex whatsoever. So that clearly didn't work.
Yesterday was tough, I've been dating a guy, J, for a week now. He's nice, funny, and cares about me, and he's the first person I've actually confided in about my issues with food and depression etc, turns out we have alot in common. But his ex is horrible. She's been calling me a slut, making status' about how ugly I am, although I won't give any exact quotes incase somebody I know was to find this blog. Anyway, it's been hard for me to deal with. I was numb and cried last night, and again tonight. I gave myself a headache by crying, and used that as an excuse to stay off school today. First day off this year/term, and now I don't want to go back. I ended up bingeing again today, but this time knowingly preparing for a long restriction. I've been a bitch lately, getting on people's bad sides. Starting to push away the friends I've made, and having successfully pushed away my old friends. It's starting again.
I just feel so... bleh. Like the static on a tv channel with no signal, it's there, but it's not. That's how I feel. I've been doing shit in school the whole term so far, which is really bad because these grades will determine my OP. I need at least an OP9 I think. That doesn't seem to likely though. I can't focus in class, I've been bingeing and all I can think about is how big and fat I am or how many calories I have consumed or have left or what I'm going to eat, even on restricting days I still think like this, I'm doing the math in my head all day long and I can't freaking handle it anymore! Teachers are getting mad at me because they think I'm purposely not doing my work and being an ignorant brat, one of my teachers told J 'good luck with dating her. I just don't like her, she never does her work and doesn't pay attention in class'. When he told me that, I brushed it off and said I hated her anyway. But I actually care about what she and my other teachers think of me and I can't tell them what's going on because I just cannot deal with anyone knowing, especially because I'm so fat that it doesn't even look like I have issues it just looks like I am looking for attention.
I'm gonna leave it here, because I broke down crying mid-sentence. I can't do this. Tomorrow I am restricting, and if I fail, I might die.
x
